


The ‘A’ stands for ‘Annoyed'

by kyaticlikestea



Series: Anthea; Assistant, Therapist and BAMF [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Anthea doesn't get paid enough for this, Anthea is a BAMF, Crack, Drabble, Ficlet, Humor, Humour, M/M, Texting, cake porn, crack!fic, friendship fic, lestrade is afraid, moist moist cake, mycroft is childish, mystrade, mystrade engagement, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-23
Updated: 2012-06-23
Packaged: 2017-11-08 09:27:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/441705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which ‘A’ doesn’t stand for ‘Anthea’, and she doesn’t stand for any of this shit. Mycroft and Lestrade are finally getting married. 'A' finds her job role changed from 'BAMF' to 'wedding planner / shoulder to cry on'. Fruit baskets are sent, world war is avoided and 'A' discovers a whole new level of BAMFness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The ‘A’ stands for ‘Annoyed'

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LadyLilyMalfoy](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=LadyLilyMalfoy), [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



Sir, I can’t help but notice that you appear to have become engaged to a certain DI Lestrade. May I offer my congratulations along with a chocolate sponge cake?

\- A

 

Thank you. However, I think I would prefer a large bottle of vodka if you have one to hand.

\- MH

 

I shall import a bottle from Russia, sir. Will Gregory also be requiring one?

\- A

 

More than likely, yes. He does not drink spirits, however. Perhaps an aged malt whisky?

\- MH

 

Certainly, sir. Anything else?

\- A

 

If you could stop talking like a waitress, that would be excellent. It does put me rather on edge. I would not trust you with more than two items of cutlery. The resulting bloodbath would be unpleasant.

\- MH

 

Thank you, sir. I shall pass your compliments onto the chef.

\- A

 

I’m sorry, sir, but I’m afraid I cannot authorise your request that I ‘go and jump in a hole full of liquid I-told-you-so and smugness’. Perhaps a wafer thin mint?

\- A

 

Oh, sir, I didn’t think such crude language was appropriate on an official assassination request form. I shall be forced to rewrite this.

\- A

 

Make sure you do.

\- MH

 

-

 

A car is on its way to you, DI Lestrade. When the car arrives, please get in the car.

\- A

 

Thought that went without saying, to be honest. OK. Well. I guess you’ve heard about the engagement, then. Thoughts?

\- GL

 

I am not paid to have thoughts about these things, Inspector.

\- A

 

Of course not. OK. Sorry. I’m in the car now.

\- GL

 

However, I feel it is my duty to inform you that if you in any way hurt Mr Holmes, I will be contractually obliged to see to it that your contributions to society and indeed the gene pool are substantially reduced.

\- A

 

Um. Thanks? I won’t hurt him. Don’t plan on it, anyway. Especially not now.

\- GL

 

That’s what I’m paid for, Inspector. Have a pleasant journey.

\- A

 

-

 

Sir, I must protest. You have sent me to fourteen different florists in Chelsea alone. Need the specifics for this bouquet be so specialised?

\- A

 

Yes. It’s for Gregory.

\- MH

 

I understand that, sir, but no florists seem to have quite the correct combination of plants.

\- A

 

Then you shall just have to purchase them from separate shops. You’re normally very efficient at this. Is something the matter?

\- MH

 

Nothing’s the matter, no, sir. I’m just wearing six inch heels and my toes are starting to protest.

\- A

 

Well, pick up a pair of sensible shoes on your way to the next florist.

\- MH

 

Sir, please. I carry a pair of flats in my handbag at all times. I am merely trying to make the right impression with these clients; they are your potential wedding florists, after all.

\- A

 

Ah. Yes. I see. Well. Thank you. You’re doing a splendid job.

\- MH

 

As always, sir.

\- A

 

Yes, as always.

\- MH

 

-

 

Sir, are you sure you don’t wish to try the cake yourself? I can easily arrange to have the four most popular flavours sent to your office. It would hardly take any time at all.

\- A

 

No, thank you. I intend on fitting into my wedding suit, thank you.

\- MH

 

As you wish, sir. I shall report on my findings via this medium, then.

\- A

 

Good, good. Go on.

\- MH

 

The first cake is described as a ‘vanilla sponge delight’. It is incredibly moist, almost to the point of suspicion. It is coated in buttercream frosting and filled with a similar icing, only with raspberry jam.

\- A

 

The cake has four layers, each layer more light and airy than the rest. I’m going to try a piece now, sir.

\- A

 

Oh, sir. Thank you.

\- A

 

Thank me?

\- MH

 

Yes. Thank you for hiring me so that I could eat a piece of this heavenly cake. It may only be one piece, but it’s worth a thousand slices of any other.

\- A

 

It’s so moist, sir. So moist and fluffy and delicious.

\- A

 

Oh, the buttercream filling is to die for, sir.

\- A

 

Well, that’s that one done. It’s the five layer chocolate and caramel buttercream layer cake next.

\- A

 

I’ve changed my mind. Could you perhaps arrange the samples to be sent directly to my office?

\- MH

 

Of course, sir. I always feel it’s better to try these things yourself.

\- A

 

I can eat the rest of the samples here though, right?

\- A

 

Oh, go on then.

\- MH

 

-

 

Inspector, as you are currently sitting in your office twiddling your thumbs and staring morosely at an empty cup, may I suggest you exist the Scotland Yard building and enter the black car waiting for you outside?

\- A

 

Bloody hell! How do you know what I’m doing? That’s... OK. Wow. Yeah. OK. I’m on my way. ETA 5 minutes.

\- GL

 

I know.

\- A

 

-

 

The Inspector is on his way, sir. His arrival is estimated in fifteen minutes due to heavy congestion on the motorway.

\- A

 

Excellent, thank you.

\- MH

 

Is that all, sir?

\- A

 

Yes, thank you.

\- MH

 

No, not at all.

\- MH

 

How else can I help?

\- A

 

This is going to sound ridiculous. You must promise me that this correspondence will never leave the confines of our shared memories.

\- MH

 

As always, sir, I can promise complete security.

\- A

 

Good, good. Well. You see, I had rather intended upon cooking a meal for Gregory as a gesture of my intentions towards him – namely marriage and a long life together, of course – but I appear to have lost all knowledge of any subject even remotely to do with cuisine.

\- MH

 

Do you see what I mean?

\- MH

 

I do. Sir, allow me to say this with the best intentions. Gregory won’t care what you cook for him. As a man who lives on beans on toast and scrambled egg, he is easily pleased in matters of cuisine. He is visiting you today to spend time with you, not to eat a grand meal. I’m sure he would not be adverse to a gourmet feast, but he is equally amenable to going without. My suggestion would be the blue tie, sir. I know he likes that one.

\- A

 

I should pay you more. Thank you.

\- MH

 

You should. Think nothing of it, sir. That’s what I’m paid for.

\- A

 

-

 

Inspector, I can hear shouting from the upstairs offices. I would like it known that I am heavily armed. Do you require my assistance?

\- A

 

I saw you ten minutes ago. You’re wearing a skirt and blouse. How heavily armed can you be? And no, we’re fine, just a domestic dispute.

\- GL

 

Do not underestimate the power of seams, Inspector. I can hear that the shouting has not abated; indeed, it seems louder. Should I intervene?

\- A

 

NO, thank you.

\- GL

 

Well, I’m not clearing up the inevitable carnage.

\- A

 

-

 

Sir, it has been three days since your disagreement with Inspector Lestrade and you have not left the office for anything more than a trip to Spar to buy onion rings and beer. Should I inform the Russian delegate that you will be unable to attend the summit tomorrow?

\- A

 

infrrm them tht im a mlonly bastadrd

\- MH

 

Sir, I cannot inform them of something untrue. It would cause a political catastrophe, and there’s only so many fruit baskets in the world.

\- A

 

nott ntrue

\- MH

 

I must disagree, sir. In the past three days, you have had thirty-six phonecalls, excluding professional ones. The Inspector alone has phoned you eighteen times. Perhaps you should consider a reconciliation?

\- A

 

thuoght you  were my asisstant not my tyheprprist

\- MH

 

Sir, I must protest. This pining is causing an unnecessary backlog of work. I can only put it off for so long.

\- A

 

gooo awaaayay! !!

\- MH

 

Mr Holmes, I am sending over a packet of aspirin, a selection of ice cream and series 1 – 3 of Gilmore Girls. What you do with these items is entirely up to you. If you decide to castrate Gregory with them, then it is not my duty to tell you otherwise. However, I recommend using the items for their intended purposes for the maximum intended effect. I shall also postpone the Russian summit.

\- A

 

taahnk yuo now ogo away

\- MH

 

That’s what I’m paid to do, I think.

\- A

 

-

 

Inspector, do you remember the day you asked Mr Holmes to marry you?

\- A

 

Yeah. All bloody roses and sunshine. Fat lot of good that did. Why?

\- GL

 

I am referring more specifically to the advice I gave you.

\- A

 

Sorry, you’ve lost me. What?

\- GL

 

If you recall, I made threats upon your person should you fail to make my boss happy.

\- A

 

Ah. Yeah. OK. I do remember that. Think my brain blocked it out. Trauma response, you know. Shit. Sorry.

\- GL

 

Let me guess, a car is on its way to me?

\- GL

 

Yes.

\- A

 

Oh great. How do I explain to my kids that the carved up, hollowed out body they dig out of the Thames tomorrow will be me?

\- GL

 

So many things I never did. I always wanted to climb Mount Everest, you know. Mycroft would have hated that.

\- GL

 

Inspector, I can assure you that your life is in no immediate danger. However, I cannot vouch for your fertility if you do not make amends with your fiancé. My shoes do have very pointy heels.

\- A

 

Jesus, what are you? An assistant or an assassin?

\- GL

 

I believe my job title is ‘none of your business’, Inspector. Please get in the car.

\- A

 

-

 

wwhy cantt i ge out of my ofice?

\- MH

 

Sir, you must promise not to throw a fit when I explain.

\- A

 

TEL ME

\- MH

 

Inspector Lestrade should be here momentarily. You are going to talk to each other, sir, because I can’t do my job when you’re behaving like this.

\- A

 

I AM YOR BOSSS

\- MH

 

Yes, sir, and I am your assistant. This is not open for discussion. You and Greg have to talk. You love each other. You’re getting married. All couples have arguments, but no-one manages to let them stew and fester quite so successfully as you two. You’re bloody made for each other, and if you throw this away over some misplaced sense of male pride then so help me I will blow up Germany and blame you.

\- A

 

Sir.

\- A

 

hmmmmmmph

\- MH

 

ok

\- MH

 

-

 

Sldhsty

\- MH

 

Shhkhk

\- MH

 

Sdpg—95-995-9-

\- MH

 

H0h9-5-9

\- MH

 

Sir, while I am glad that you and Inspector Lestrade are back on speaking terms, I must insist that you either take your phone out of your back pocket or hurry up and get undressed. I do not wish to read texts sent by your buttocks.

\- A

 

Gpjipgj

\- MH

 

Shoitotutte333

\- MH

 

Also, sir, I am disabling the security camera feed from your office to my Blackberry. You don’t pay me enough for that.

\- A

 

-

 

I’m sorry.

\- MH

 

Sir?

\- A

 

I’ve realised that my behaviour over the past few days has been less than acceptable, and for that I must apologise. You have been irreplaceable as my assistant; without you, the country would surely have fallen this week.

\- MH

 

Well, I did stop Greece from entering that midget in Eurovision.

\- A

 

Is there any way I can reward you? A holiday? A pay rise? A new Blackberry?

\- MH

 

Sir, I’ll send myself a fruit basket and carry on with my work. There’s a lot of paperwork. Eurovision is more corrupt than we initially thought.

\- A

 

But surely you deserve something more than that. You’ve been so good to me, and Greg, too.

\- MH

 

That’s what I’m paid for.

\- A 

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to my dear university compatriot Esme (LadyLilyMalfoy - her account is awaiting approval on this site, but you can read her excellent fics here for the time being http://www.fanfiction.net/u/904034/LadyLilyMalfoy) who is possibly the single biggest Mystrade shipper I know, and PC_Hopkins, who writes a Sherlock text fic series that you should definitely read (http://archiveofourown.org/series/21021).


End file.
